TASHY DID - A LIFE
Hey kids, grand-kids, and any other nosey people who are reading these pages, this is for you to read now or sometime in the future. It may tell you a little
about how life was 60 or so years ago and rather more about me. Why am I doing it?
In the years after my father's death, way back in 1981, I kept thinking of things I wished I'd talked to him about. After my mother's death, just over
thirteen years later, there was less of a knowledge-vacuum because mother talked more about her past.
Just recently, my daughter and I unearthed my mother's diaries which went back to 1929, when she was just 13 years old. This reminded me of the 1998
incident with my 6 year old and I decided to put down here the story of my life so my children and grandchildren could, if they wished, read about what I had done. I would use my
memory and those diaries to build a picture from 1949 to the present day and add some personal observations.
So, here we go. Each week we will have a new year with preceding weeks being archived. In the first few years, as I will have less to say, probably, I will
add some info about your grandparents and their parents.
1988
This was, paradoxically, one of the worst and best years of my life since becoming an adult, or perhaps I should say a parent.
My wife, soon to be my ex-wife, had left the place where we worked before Christmas and I had left home straight after Christmas. I moved in with my mother, just down the road but she only had a one bedroomed bungalow and it wasn't very practical. I slept on a put-you-up sofa bed in the lounge which meant mother couldn't watch TV after I went to bed. Luckily I am not known for my early nights.
The children would come down and see me most evenings and mother was delighted that I had left. She began to make enquiries of the developers of the site as to when the next phase of 2-bedroomed bungalows would be available as she intended to sell the one she bought only last year and move to a bigger one, mainly to accommodate me. The answer was that they would not be ready for at least six months.
At work, we replaced my wife by offering one of the part-timers a full-time position. My wife kept in touch with her colleagues socially for a while and so they heard her view of things. No one heard mine as I didn't feel it was anyone else's business. The atmosphere was a little better but I felt that some of the staff resented what they wrongly saw as something I had done.
I was still friendly with my secretary who, if you remember, had been with us on our trip. We were close and I will admit I shared a lot of my feelings and problems with her but that is where it stopped. I was therefore a little surprised when she told me toward the end of January that she wanted to leave home, had found a place and would it help if I moved in too.
During all the earlier problems between my wife and I, this young lady had behaved impeccably. I admit that the idea of living with her, once I thought about it, appealed. I enjoyed her company, she was interesting to talk with and we shared a love of sport and activity. I couldn't go on living with mother and so I said yes.. This caused both of us major problems.
From my point of view, everyone believed that this was why I left my wife. It wasn't. Everybody thought we had been having an affair. We hadn't. But the biggest problem was that my daughter hated this person. My son didn't seem to and, of course, he liked the idea of joining in some sporting activity.
From her point of view, her parents were horrified. Despite finding the place, signing the forms and deciding on the moving in date, which happened to be 14 February 1988, she didn't tell her parents until the day before. They couldn't stop her and so we did move in together on that date but they never spoke to me until May of the following year. When she went to see them, usually each week, I would either sit outside in my car working or reading or I would drive down to my mother's and see my children.
Once we had moved in, we used to go to my mother's once a week for a meal so I would see the children again then. My new girlfriend also belonged to a sports club and was there for 3 hours most Sundays. Again I would go and see the children. They also came to us for some weekends although I think, in the six months we were in this first house, my daughter only came to stay twice. To be honest, I don't blame. The house was terrible. There was one bedroom, a lounge, a kitchen which shared its space with the bathroom and a very cold, dark toilet.
Obviously colleagues at work also found out but whatever their views they said nothing. However, this was solved in early August when my girlfriend left work and started at a house renting agency. This was good because shortly after that she found us a far nicer place although as it was out in Suffolk, it was further away from the children and my mother.
The reason she left was possibly a deliberate move by those above me to get rid of her. We had found a “3 weeks for the price of 2” camping holiday in France and, checking we could have the time off, booked it. Then my boss, with whom I had booked the holiday, explained that he would not allow my girlfriend/secretary to have the same time off even though her immediate boss had authorised it. She immediately gave in her notice and left. He then said she wouldn't be replaced and another secretary, who worked on the admin side, not the training side I was in charge of, would do my work. He also said in view of this he couldn't now authorise my 3 weeks off.
We changed the holiday to 2 weeks and duly went. It was fantastic. I loved where we went in the south of France, I loved the time we spent together and, more than anything, I loved being in a relationship which had no aggro, no moaning, no disagreements and no petty criticising. I started this piece by saying it was the best and worst time of my adult life. This was the best bit. My relationship, probably for the first time, was almost as I dreamed it should be. My mother adored my girlfriend. Firstly because she knew she had kept me in touch with mother when we had travelled around the coast but secondly because my girlfriend showed her full respect and accepted her for what she was; my mother.
The worst part was not seeing enough of my daughter and the atmosphere when I did if my girlfriend was present. It was no one's fault. We are all entitled to our feelings based on our perception of people and events but I hated not being able to be a happy unit on the few occasions when we did all get together. Sometime in June we had all gone camping in Norfolk and, my recollection, is that things weren't that bad but at other times they were. The only thing my girlfriend and I ever argued about were my children, my daughter. It was far from ideal and the good relationship lost some of its shine because of this.
After the holiday I came back and handed in my notice, It was also when we got back that there was a letter waiting for me finalising my divorce. I was no longer married. I had not taken legal advice as, when I did have a £5 half hour chat with a solicitor he told me it would be a waste of money as I was obviously intelligent and my suggestion as to the settlement was very reasonable. I offered to pay half the mortgage while the children remained at home and/or under 18, and an equal amout in maintenance. It was agreed that the 95% mortgage would be transferred in to my now ex-wife's name and she would then own the house. When she sold it, and it was her choice when, I would receive half of the difference between the amount we bought it for £35,000, and the amount it was worth at the time of the divorce, £64,000. This would cause me problems a lot later when a certain money grabber heard about it but something had happened between those years; more later.
Early in this year my girlfriend and I set up a company which was aimed at training individuals who had bought dear old Alan Sugar's Amstrad word processors. We charged a very reasonable fee and would do the training, often in the evenings, at an individual's home. We didn't make a fortune but it all helped. My girlfriend paid all our rent each month in both the properties we lived in, with no complaints.
It was quite hard for me to make the divorce payments but, again, mother helped me out. I know this because when I was given mother's desk some years ago there was, inside one of the drawers, a list of all payments she had made on my behalf coupled with some highly derogatory remarks about my ex-wife. If you now listen to my ex-wife, she will say I didn't pay and, to a degree she was correct but she did get paid. I recall a court case about something but I can't remember what. I think it was to do with debts I allegedly left behind. There weren't any apart from normal bills, payable monthly. For 11 years I had been the sole bread-winner and there was a lot of juggling to make ends meet. I was also far better at managing money and I think my ex had problems in this area.
Finally, in this year, a word about work. Before giving in my notice, I had talked to another training company about doing freelance training for them. Because of my reputation, they jumped at the chance and, what had started at the beginning of October as 3 days a week became full time by the start of 1989. I had also written yet another book, this time called “Learning to Manage”.
I had a contented personal life, a growing business life but I was still not happy because I wanted to spend time with my daughter in a good environment.
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