TASHY HEARS

MY WAY IS MY DECISION

A couple of songs back I mentioned introspective melancholy and that was the situation I found myself in some 7 years ago. 2007, 2008 and 2009 had been, probably, the worst years of my life. I was living among lies and deceit, vindictive behaviour, blackmail, gross invasion of my privacy and control of the worst sort. For the final six months of my time in New Zealand, I lived on about £20 a week and I was, and always will be, eternally grateful to the guy who offered me free lodgings at his backpackers in return for help with running the place. I was also lucky enough to meet some really great people who kept me amused and my mind off what was still happening around me.

When I finally escaped and came back to England, I thought I was over it. I had left behind a relationship that had promised much and achieved so little and didn't know what to do next. Living alone, without my backpacker friends, I had very little to take my mind off what had happened. I wouldn't say I was depressed, clinically or otherwise, but I was lost. I tried a few things, they didn't work. Both physically and emotionally, that time had left scars that took far longer to heal than I understood.

By late 2011, I was in a vacuum. I didn't want to put my feet up and retire, I wanted to create again. The people from my past, and those they associated with, had succeeded in destroying my work again and, as those old scars hadn’t yet healed, the hit was even harder this time. Effectively I gave up. I no longer had dreams and I felt that I no longer had control of my life, of what I wanted to do.

Almost the first thing I did when I got back in England in 2010 was watch the Vancouver winter Olympics. I may have mentioned how I have loved motor racing since I was 7 but, in the words of the late Alfred Neubauer (go and look him up too), “speed was my life”. Skiing satisfied that need, so, having effectively been cut off from sport for almost 7 years, reasons one day, I tried to catch up. I also love the underdog, the loner, the one who makes it by themselves, so Tina Maze’s two silver medals in Vancouver appealed to me. I became a fan.

Her early struggles, setting up her own team against the odds and then being successful, showed the determination to succeed I so admire in anyone. Not only that, but she also, from her blogs, seemed so natural, unspoilt by success. The fact that she clearly appreciated the qualities of the older man is neither here nor there.

So, in autumn 2012, while I was wallowing in retirement having given up the struggle, Tina Maze records a song. I listen to the words, I am inspired. My way has been my decision and I shouldn’t be thinking anything else, but that also means my future way is mine too and, if you will excuse the language, sod those people who have chosen to tell their lies and stop me, they will not succeed. I decided to get back on track to “living my dream”.

Last October (2016), Tina Maze announced her retirement from skiing. She was asked in an interview just after her announcement why she thought she had done so well. She said it was because she was never satisfied, she was a perfectionist, although she admitted that is not always a pleasant attitude to have. I would have to agree but perfectionism gives so much satisfaction despite the problems it can cause.

I could say a lot more here about the people who tried to destroy me but I will save that for somewhere else. Suffice to say that this song helped me to begin again. Tina’s next season merely added to my determination. I too need perfection in all I do and I too am never satisfied and will never give up. It's possible, at the age of 80 I will still be striving to achieve what I want. So be it. I would rather that than sitting back and saying, “oh well, I tried.” My way is indeed my decision and I love the battle each and every day because if I am still trying when I go to bed, I have won.